ANONYMOUS & UNFILTERED | CONFESSION NO. 005
The Quarterly Boyfriend Review
Dear Glyde,
I have a spreadsheet.
It's called Men: Quarterly Review.
Before you judge me, please understand that I work in finance and genuinely believe most of life's problems can be solved with conditional formatting.
Every first date gets a score.
Conversation. Manners. Chemistry. Whether he treats the waiter like a human being.
My friends think it's hilarious.
My therapist thinks it's a little much.
Anyway.
Last Thursday, I went on a date with a man named Alexander.
Tall. Charming. Excellent coat.
We went to a lovely Japanese restaurant where I made the unfortunate decision to arrive absolutely starving.
I'd skipped lunch, ordered far too much food, and eaten everything at a speed better suited to a competitive sport.
By dessert, I was uncomfortably full.
Eating quickly and having a large meal can contribute to that heavy, overly stuffed feeling. I knew this, but apparently all sensible decisions had been left at the office.
Alexander asked whether I could send him the name of a restaurant I'd mentioned earlier.
"Of course," I said.
I opened my phone.
Tapped Share.
Selected AirDrop.
And sent him my spreadsheet.
Not the restaurant.
The spreadsheet.
He opened it.
I watched his expression change.
Then he looked up.
"Am I Alexander Number Four?"
I wanted the floor to open.
"Possibly."
He scrolled.
"Seven out of ten for conversation?"
"That's actually quite good."
"What's 'uses the word disrupt unironically'?"
"A note."
He stared at me.
Then he started laughing.
Not politely.
Hysterically.
The waiter came over to see if we were alright.
We were not.
At least I wasn't.
Alexander asked whether he could appeal his score.
I told him the review process was extremely rigorous.
He suggested a second date.
Yesterday, he sent me a calendar invitation titled:
Quarterly Performance Improvement Meeting.
I accepted.
Ladies, I fear the spreadsheet has found its match.
SIGNED, YOURS TRULY, EXCEL GIRL ♡
An original fictional Anonymous & Unfiltered story. Characters and events are invented.